


Boss Fight

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Gen, Humour, OOC nonsense, YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, crackfic, lazy prose, mention of: Elmyra Tifa Cait Sith Marlene, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:16:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24008722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: I lurk on tumblr sometimes. So here's the boss fight with Tseng.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 24





	Boss Fight

**Author's Note:**

> I lurk on tumblr sometimes. Here is the boss fight which we have, thus far, been so cruelly denied. Thanks to licoriceallsorts for the premise!

Sparks flew as metal struck metal, the party fighting off the soldiers as the Gold Saucer music jingled merrily in the background. Soon, there was only one foe left-- long, black hair, blue suit-- Tseng of the Turks.

Cloud remembered Tseng slapping Aeris across the face; how she'd fallen to the floor of the helicopter, nose bleeding, eyes wet.

Cloud readied his sword. "You won't get away!"

"Cloud, wait!" Aeris gripped his wrist. "Look!"

Under one arm, Tseng carried a bulging manila folder.

"That folder..." Aeris suddenly pulled Cloud back. "No, Cloud, you're not ready. You're not strong enough yet. None of us are."

"Huh?"

"That folder... I know what's inside... we need to hide."

But it was too late.

Tseng stepped over, smiling at them, catlike. "There you are. Are you ready to give me the keystone, or do you require some... persuasion?"

"Never!" said Cloud.

"Hm?" Tseng looked amused. He pulled out his phone. "Very well. Do you hear that sound?" He held the phone up.

On the other end, they heard it: " _Papa! Papa!_ "

"Marlene!"

Tseng frowned. "Oh, wait, not that sound." He pressed a button. " _This_ sound."

A drill rattled.

"What?" said Cloud.

Tseng smiled. "Thank you for asking."

"No!" cried Aeris.

But she cried out in vain.

Tseng turned to Cloud. "My bathroom renovations," he explained. "They're putting in the sink today."

"Shut up!" said Cloud. "Put Marlene on again!"

"All in good time." Tseng opened the folder. "First, would you like to see my moodboard? I found it invaluable with the planning." In a flash, he'd pulled them out-- magazine clippings, diagrams and schematics. "We'll start here," said Tseng, retrieving more photos-- photos of baths, showers, towels, towel _racks_ , taps and toilets and tiles, bathmats, lights, and on, and on... "These are just a sample of my planning materials. Let's sit down. There's a lot to see."

"Tseng, please," begged Aeris.

"Good to see you again." Tseng nodded at her. "You'll be thrilled to hear that, since we last spoke, I've settled on the tabletop basin."

Aeris clapped her hands over her ears.

Cloud pulled her to one side. "What's going on?" he asked, in an undertone.

"W-when I was a child, Ts-Tseng would visit the house. He'd bring that folder. And he and mom, well, they'd...."

"I want your opinion on the tiles, though," Tseng's voice floated toward them. "I like the idea of black, or dark brown; those would hide bloodstains well-- but I'm concerned they'd shrink the space. What do you think?"

Aeris moaned, kneading her forehead. "They'd talk about his bathroom renovations for _hours_! It was torture! And because I was a Cetra, the whole planet would hear, through me, and then _they'd_ get bored, too, and they'd yell at me! Literally every soul on the _planet_ , living or dead, is sick of Tseng's bathroom!" She took a shaky breath. "Cloud, if we go up against him, we won't win. We need another plan."

"Come here," said Tseng, holding out his phone. "I've been making a journal, taking photos every day. You can see how things are going so far."

Cloud frowned. He was an ex-SOLDIER. Tseng was one guy with a bathroom. He folded his arms. "Fine. How hard can it be?"

*

3 hours later, Tseng was 3% through the photos on his phone.

"And this is when they took the floor out-- you can see they're laying the foundations for underfloor heating-- I didn't realise it, but my wiring's unusual; they had to call in a specialist-- and this is-- oh, wait, that's my thumb-- but here are some swatches, so I could compare bathmats without making too much of an investment--"

"Please, no more," begged Aeris.

Tseng paused. "I can make this all go away. Just give me the keystone, and--"

Before Cloud could say anything, Aeris had hurled it at Tseng.

Tseng caught it right in front of his face. He bowed, tucked it into his jacket, paused-- then continued.

"You should know better than to trust me. Now, these are the taps I wanted at first, but they were out of stock, and it turned out that the attractive band around the middle corrodes quickly..."

**Author's Note:**

> (this is not canon-compliant purely because the lifestream wouldn't've opposed meteor if it had been subjected to this)
> 
> (I tried out a few versions of this fic; here's an alternate one like an actual bossfight:
> 
> Cloud fought off the soldiers. One figure left. Tseng. The player remembered how Tseng had slapped Aeris. Payback time!
> 
> "Tseng!" Cloud said. "You won't get away!"
> 
> The screen swirled. Boss music!
> 
> Tseng stood, alone. Opposite, Cloud, Tifa and Cait assumed their regular fighting stances. The camera circled around a bit. Tseng lit a cigarette.
> 
> Fighting time! The party got a couple of blows in. Then a dialogue bar appeared over Tseng's head.
> 
> _"My bathroom... is nearly ready."_
> 
> More strikes. Tifa hit him with a dolphin.
> 
> _"Would you like... to hear about it?"_
> 
> _Bath Attack_ said the screen. A giant bathtub appeared overhead and fell on Tifa. Instant KO.
> 
> The player used a phoenix down, and hit Tseng one more time. Tseng glowed, rainbowy-- from the sound, this was his limit break. He extended his arms, as a circle lit up at his feet. His hair blew in a sudden breeze.
> 
> _Renovation Stations!_
> 
> The screen was suddenly filled with photos and videos of bathrooms-- real footage, like a Hideo Kojima game.
> 
> "These are the pictures of my home renovations," said the text on screen. "We're about 1/3 done. I want to replace the flooring, and get new taps."
> 
> There were now two buttons on the screen: 'next photo', and 'kill self'. Everyone's HP had been reduced to 1.
> 
> The player clicked 'next photo'. And again. And again. Tseng gave half a page of details for each shot. The player had to wait for the text to scroll, as though Tseng were reading it out in realtime. The text was phenomenally uninteresting.
> 
> After 100 photos, the player checked online, and discovered that this sequence was notorious, and one of the most controversial elements of Final Fantasy 7. According to all the strategy guides, this was the hardest sequence in the game, so perfectly did it replicate psychological torture. The player had to sit through a total of 36397 photographs, 50 of which were duplicates, and 3 of which were the back of Tseng's head. The sequence added a total of 40 hours to the total playtime, and was unskippable. The player had to change discs in the middle.
> 
> If the player stuck it out 'til the end, Tseng would receive a call about a new shipment of bathmats, and would calmly pick up the keystone and walk away to make his selection, as the party lay on the floor, twitching.
> 
> ***   
> _(my 2c that nobody asked for on sinister!tseng in the remake-- (haven't played so this is based on what I've seen from a coupla clips)-- I seem to be the inverse of the fandom on this. I like that they made him a jerk. I thought OG Tseng was a jerk and then the compilation interpreted him as more human and sympathetic, so both takes are consistent with what Square have done previously. I prefer him to be more of a jerk in the official materials (though I like reading fics based on both Tseng-variations) and remake!ff7 seems to need more sinister business in general (I'm annoyed they seem to have gone the route of trying to make Reno more sympathetic, so). Tseng's too young and his voice doesn't suit him, but as for that sly look at Aeris that others hate-- I like it! It fits well with how I often imagine young!Tseng aged 21ish, and/or with the charactersiation in eg: Cactus or Buddleja or somesuch. The thing I really can't get over are his weird long sideburns. And the massive quantity of eyeliner. Maybe that's everyone, but I feel like he must blink more than the other characters, bc I really notice it on him. Guess he's probably applying it by feel since his bathroom mirror's not installed yet.)_
> 
> _Also, I've a favour to ask; I don't have video-editing software (2020 being the year of linux on the desktop)-- could someone put this audio over that remake sequence where cait sith beats his fist on the floor over sector 7 thx:[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtRq56fbkyM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtRq56fbkyM)_
> 
> _(longer set of clips that makes me lol every time; very much nsfw:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubSdfYqCgK8>)_


End file.
